Please forgive me for writing about pregnancy two weeks in a row but I wanted to post another recent entry from my pregnancy journal – this entry ties in with my pregnancy style shopping list from last week, but I actually wrote it late in October, when I was 23 weeks (now I am 27 weeks which is almost into the last trimester!).
A question occurred to me: when am I going to enjoy the pregnancy? I mean really enjoy it – when am I going to revel in being pregnant? It is not as though I have disliked my pregnancy so far. I have had a near-perfect pregnancy to date, with no morning sickness and only sporadic aches, pains and other minor ailments. Now that I am showing I do sometimes feel self-conscious when out in public: I am used to being a size eight so having an obvious belly and being conscious that my body physically feels heavier and more awkward has had an impact. But for the most part this self-consciousness is fleeting and I am not upset by my changing body. However I cannot say that I have revelled in my pregnancy yet. I feel like I have been so busy with work, and in the early weeks, so preoccupied by the imagined threat of a miscarriage, that I have been largely distracted from the pregnancy itself. Now at 23 weeks I feel almost blasé about the whole thing. I am not afraid of labour and birth, I feel (mostly) comfortable in my body, and the world keeps turning. At a friend’s house the other day I was asked if I had begun buying things for the baby yet and I replied no, that I did not feel the need to buy things yet; not big things like a pram or bedding or a car seat. She looked at me oddly like something was wrong. I did add that I did not want to jinx anything, but even as I said it I did not really believe my own words. I am not apathetic, but I am not sitting there rubbing my belly contentedly and thinking non-stop about being pregnant and having a baby.
The funny thing is, what made me ask myself when I was going to revel in my pregnancy was when I was thinking about what to wear to an upcoming event launch. I love dressing up but when I thought of the event I felt tired and did not want to make a fuss over my appearance (actually I did not want to go at all). I thought about dressing down instead of up and was mentally, reluctantly appraising suitable wardrobe options when I remembered a pair of faux leather leggings with a pregnancy-friendly elastic waist. Maybe, I thought, I could dress those up while feeling like I was comfortably dressing down with a pair of low heels and a loose top in a luxe fabric. Then I remembered a lime green silk t-shirt I recently saw in a shop window. I’ve never liked lime green. I’ve never liked neon or fluorescent colours. But since falling pregnant I have been very attracted to bright, clean colours (someone should do a study on pregnant women and colour attraction). So this top, the shade of a fresh granny smith apple only with more pop, lingered in my mind and I thought, maybe I can look obviously pregnant but chic. Maybe this is a way to revel in my pregnant body. To be bright and bold with my belly and my lime green, not hiding away but showing off. Having fun, being relaxed and in the moment. Dressing up through dressing down.
I did not actually buy that top (by Karla Spetic) but passing it in the store window did compel me to pause and reflect on my pregnant state of being, which I think was good because even if just for that moment the world did stop turning just for me and I could enjoy who I was and where I was in life at that point in time.
PS I promise I’ll write about something non-baby related next time!